The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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