I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
