she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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