I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
