Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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