I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
