I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
