he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
