you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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