its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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