I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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