A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
