party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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