Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
