I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
