Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
