My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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