I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
