I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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