Don't make out with my wife yet
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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