I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
