Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
