My girlfriend figured out who you are.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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