I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
