I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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