I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
