I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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