just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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