I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
