My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
