dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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