I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
