I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
