Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
