So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
