She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
