His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
