Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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