Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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