good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
