Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
