upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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