Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
