I met the friendliest cop last night
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
