The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
