I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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