why do cheetos always look like penises
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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