He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
