Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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