I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I have grass duct taped all over my body
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
