i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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