I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
