I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You can't just leave with hair like that
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize